If I Lose Myself
by Waterwolfwritter
Summary: Dean and Cas reflect on a few things. Set during season 5.


SO I wanted a song fic. Well I wanted to write and I know finish my other stories and edit and not do a new story and blah blah blah and blah. So here is a song fic cause I CAN!

Song: If I Lose Myself

Song Belongs to OneRepublic

Set during season 5

XxXxXxX

Cas laid down and looked up at the sun. He wondered about heaven and his siblings. What would they think? Only 3 angels ever rebelled and he was one of them. The last two were a bit crazy. Was he crazy also? He must be. You never see anyone rebel and be sane. Okay you do but not in the world of angels. They were good soldiers and mindless. They just followed. He knew this was rebellion and this was not good. This was not the way he should behave. He should be dragging Dean to Micheal. He should be a good little boy. Yet he couldn't be the good solider he should be.

"There you are." said a voice

The voice blocked the sun. Then the voice leaned down. Finally Cas could make out the voice it was Dean, squatting over him. "You know looking straight into the sun is bad for your eyes." said Dean

"I know. It's just.." Cas sighed

Dean didn't want to pry but knew he had to. "What is it Cas?" asked Dean

"It feels like everything I have ever known has been washed away." said Cas

"What do you mean?" Dean asked

"I mean everything I knew before meeting you disappeared." said Cas

Dean stared at him blankly. Cas decided that it would be good to explain deeper. "I knew my siblings were always right and wanted what was best. That is not true. I know I should make you and your brother become vessels. That also is not true."

Dean fought to hide his reactions to what Cas said. "I also know that my family should be beside me but here I am with you at my side." said Cas

They stopped speaking. Dean wondered if Cas meant what humans normally meant when they said that. Cas wondered why Dean was red. It was a simple statement involving nothing but what was true. Cas really needed better people skills. "If I die tonight, I want it to be beside you fighting." said Cas

"Umm, Cas that's sweet but you.." Dean stammered about to explain exactly what that meant to humans.

"Did you find Cas?" Sam called

"Yeah." Dean yelled back.

"Dean what were you going to tell me?" asked Cas

"Doesn't matter." Dean stated as he got up and offered Cas a hand.

Cas gave him a confused look but took Dean's hand.

XxXxXx

Dean woke up to the sun. Sam had said yes and lost the battle. Lisa and Ben were hopefully somewhere safe. Bobby was trying to figure out what they should do next. The impala was parked outside this crappy motel. Those thoughts greeted Dean with the sun. He thought about when Sam was younger. His little brother. His little brother who was safe with him. He thought about the only home with four walls he had. He was his mother's little boy and she never got to see Sam grow to any real age. He thought about his dad. He thought about how Sam and their dad would fight. He always tried to stop them because he just wanted his family together without fighting.

His entire life all he wanted was to have his family together. They didn't even need to be happy. Together and not fighting would work for Dean. Hell they could be mad at Dean as long as they would fight him and not each other. He could take fighting against them but the two of them fighting against each other tore him apart. He let his thoughts roll over to Ellen and Jo. He just wanted them alive. Heck he wanted all the people he loved and cared about alive, even if it meant that he would never speak to them.

"Dean." said Cas

Dean jumped up out of shock. "Cas, how did you find me?" asked Dean sitting up

"Dean I was here right beside you the entire time." said Cas

Dean gave him a confused look. "How drunk were you last night?" asked Cas

Dean thought back to last night. He actually hadn't gotten drunk. He was just so convinced that what had happened was a dream. "I actually thought it was a dream." Dean said

"Why?" asked Cas tilting his head

"I never thought I could tell you sober that you are a brother to me, and that I need you by my side because you and Bobby are the only family I have left. I never thought I would ask you to stay the night with me to make sure I could wake up with family in the morning. I knew that you would never say yes if I did." said Dean

"Oh." said Cas shocked.

"When I die, I want to die fighting beside you." said Dean

"Let's hope that day is not today." said Cas

"Even if it is, they can only knock us down for so long before we bounce up again. No matter what we always keep trying." said Dean in a voice that made it sound like it was his dying wish

"We will." said Cas

Everything Dean thought he knew was washed away with that promise. He knew a lot of things but he was sure of only one thing in that moment. Cas would be by his side no matter what. In some ways it was true for the rest of his life. In many more ways, it never was true.


End file.
